Abuse Survivor Lessons from the Professional World: Part 1

How Recovery from Childhood Sexual Abuse Can Affect One's Early Career

First of all, I’d like to apologize for deviating from the outline I proposed on 1/25. Due to space and time constraints I will not be able to address some of the topics I wished to discuss this week. Specifically I will not be able to address Imposter Syndrome, Mentorship, Office Parties / Alcohol / Dating / Boundaries, and Sexual Harassment.

I am starting to realize this particular series will be more of a marathon than a sprint.

And at the risk of triggering every Program Manager I’ve ever worked for, I’d like to make the observation, “The easiest way to stay on schedule is to let me write a new one at every milestone!”

Reflections of a Childhood Sexual Abuse Survivor on Starting Out in a Career

Congratulations! You’ve successfully secured a job in an office or another professional environment. If you are in the United States, the Bureau of Labor Statistics reports that this makes you one of 18.5 million nine-to-fivers [1]. At 12.2% of the population, this is the largest bloc of workers in the nation.

The stress, psychological pressures, and frequent absurdities of office life have inspired innumerable sitcoms, stand-up routines, and comic strips. But for a survivor of childhood abuse, this is no laughing matter.

Like a spacecraft hitting escape velocity, securing full-time, stable employment can be a ticket to freedom—a space far removed from the gravitational pull of our abusers, dysfunctional family dynamics, mental health struggles, and potentially substance abuse issues. But as I found out, that escape is not always smooth.

Three Issues Unique to Survivors of Childhood Abuse

Looking back, three adaptations from my childhood abuse made the early years of my career far more difficult than they should have been. Instead of a rocket soaring into space, many days felt like a failed launch.

I’m not a psychologist, but through personal experience and discussions with fellow survivors, I’ve recognized how our abuse adaptations—designed to help us survive—can become obstacles in adulthood. Here are three specific challenges I encountered: Emotional Dysregulation (Delay), Rushing Nowhere, and Chameleon but Don’t Mix.

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Emotional Dysregulation (Delay)

Numerous studies [2] [3] [4] have shown that childhood neglect and abuse impair a survivor’s ability to regulate emotions in a timely and appropriate manner.

What does this mean in practice? When I started working in an office, I found that my emotional dysregulation often manifested as a delayed response to situations [5].

Like many survivors, I was hyper-attuned to the emotions of those around me—an essential skill for predicting sudden outbursts of rage or control in an abusive environment. But that didn’t mean I could respond appropriately or in a timely way.

When faced with criticism, anger, or negativity, I would freeze. To avoid confrontation, I avoided certain topics—or people—entirely. In the moment, I would go into “autopilot,” splitting into two versions of myself: “work me” mechanically handling the situation, while “scared me” cowered in the background. This dissociation, once a childhood survival skill, was now making me ineffective at work.

Others perceived this as aloofness, disinterest, unreliability, or incompetence. I was called all of these. And I’ve seen similar patterns in others.

But why do I call this a delayed response? Because dissociation doesn’t last forever. When it fades, emotions and fears flood back—often at inappropriate times and magnified in intensity. This leads to rumination, self-recrimination (“Why can’t I handle this?”), and misplaced anger.

The impact? Emotional outbursts at the wrong time, damaged relationships, and a persistent feeling of failure.

What helped? Counseling. I was heavily involved in a Usenet-based recovery group called alt.sexual.abuse.recovery (ASAR) in the 1990s. One ASAR member physically took me to a counseling center, sitting with me through my initial sessions of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) [6]. CBT helped me recognize and address my dissociation.

Medication also played a role—antidepressants like Lexapro and anti-anxiety medications like Xanax helped manage the physiological side of dysregulation.

Today, Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) is considered a gold standard [7], and institutions like NICABM are pioneering new techniques for emotional regulation [8].

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Rushing Nowhere

A master machinist at my company often says: “Slow is smooth, and smooth is fast.”

Despite his methodical pace, he consistently outperforms those frantically rushing to meet deadlines. His approach is the opposite of what I, as a survivor, struggle with: hurry sickness.

Hurry sickness is the relentless urge to cram 25 hours’ worth of work into a 24-hour day. It’s common among childhood abuse survivors [9]. While I haven’t found definitive research on its origins, I have my own theory:

We rush because the artificial urgency masks deeper pain, abandonment, and fear. Silence is unbearable because that’s when the memories creep back—the echoes of abuse telling us, “You’re worthless. You don’t belong here.”

This chronic urgency creates serious issues:

• Cognitive impairments—trouble concentrating, irritability, and difficulty processing new information [10] [11].

• Physical harm—elevated stress hormones (adrenaline, cortisol, norepinephrine) leading to long-term damage [12].

• Psychological risk—rushing can lead to impulsivity, risky behaviors, and substance abuse [13].

Ironically, the very act of rushing can trigger PTSD symptoms [14]. Impulsivity feeds into a destructive cycle: the faster I try to escape my problems, the more deeply I become entangled in them. This is the self-licking ice cream cone from hell!

What helped?

• Structured time management with realistic deadlines.

• Peer review of deadlines and time management approaches

• Anti-anxiety medication to reduce physiological urgency.

• Simple, quiet hobbies like photographing nature, spending time with my pet rabbit, or cooking.

• Role models—observing and emulating people who embody calm, steady competence.

Mindfulness techniques might help, but my one attempt at mindfulness coaching was a disaster. For me, at least, spending too much time focused on the whispers in my mind leads to some extremely poor mental outcomes. If others have found success with it, I’d love to hear how!

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Chameleon but Don’t Mix

In his Just Trying to Help Substack, Jake Ernst describes chameleon kids as those who shape-shift to meet others' expectations, often losing their own identity [17].

Psychologists call this the chameleon effect—the unconscious mirroring of others’ behaviors [18]. For childhood abuse survivors, this trait is extreme. We were raised in environments where following arbitrary, contradictory, and often cruel “rules” was a matter of survival.

At work, this manifests as dissociation and fractured identity. Different personas emerge for different settings—“meeting me,” “worker me,” “lunchroom me.” These personas are firewalled from each other, leading to [19] [20] [21]:

• Exhaustion—constantly tracking what each persona can reveal.

• Suspicion from others—appearing aloof, insincere, or dishonest.

• Isolation—keeping personal life completely separate, even from loved ones.

What helped? Integrating my different personas into a cohesive self. This required:

• CBT and DBT therapy to identify and address dissociation.

• Medication to stabilize mood fluctuations.

• Intentional self-disclosure—allowing parts of my life to overlap in safe ways.

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Epilogue

Emotional dysregulation, hurry sickness, and chameleon-like dissociation are all forms of dissociation. While this was a superpower in childhood, it becomes an obstacle in adulthood.

If you see yourself in these words, remember:

• You are not broken.

• You are not defective.

• You are not “damaged goods.”

• Your dissociation was a strength—it got you through hell.

• Dissociation manifests itself in many surprising ways.

• Now it is time to put the dissociation tool away, it has served you very well but no longer a good fit.

• Now is the time to embrace new behaviors of integration and collaboration.

Recovery is possible. You are worth the effort to heal. Keep going! Let nothing stop you as you hit the “launch button” on your new career.

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[1] Bureau of Labor Statistics. (2024). 18.5 million office and administrative support jobs in May 2023: 12.2 percent of total employment. Retrieved from https://www.bls.gov/opub/ted/2024/18-5-million-office-and-administrative-support-jobs-in-may-2023-12-2-percent-of-total-employment.htm

[2] Dvir, Y., Ford, J. D., Hill, M., & Frazier, J. A. (2014). Childhood maltreatment, emotional dysregulation, and psychiatric comorbidities. Harvard Review of Psychiatry, 22(3), 149-161. https://doi.org/10.1097/HRP.0000000000000014

[3] Eisenberg, N., Spinrad, T. L., & Eggum, N. D. (2010). Emotion-related self-regulation and its relation to children’s maladjustment. Annual Review of Clinical Psychology, 6, 495–525. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev.clinpsy.121208.131208

[4] Lanius, R. A., Vermetten, E., Loewenstein, R. J., et al. (2010). Emotion modulation in PTSD: Clinical and neurobiological evidence for a dissociative subtype. American Journal of Psychiatry, 167, 640–647. https://doi.org/10.1176/appi.ajp.2009.09081168

[5] Gratz, K. L., Rosenthal, M. Z., Tull, M. T., Lejuez, C. W., & Gunderson, J. G. (2010). An experimental investigation of emotional reactivity and delayed emotional recovery in borderline personality disorder: The role of shame. Comprehensive Psychiatry, 51(3), 275-285. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.comppsych.2009.08.005

[6] Bohus, M., Kleindienst, N., Hahn, C., Müller-Engelmann, M., Ludäscher, P., Steil, R., Fydrich, T., Kuehner, C., Resick, P. A., Stiglmayr, C., Schmahl, C., & Priebe, K. (2020). Dialectical behavior therapy for posttraumatic stress disorder (DBT-PTSD) compared with cognitive processing therapy (CPT) in complex presentations of PTSD in women survivors of childhood abuse: A randomized clinical trial. JAMA Psychiatry, 77(12), 1235-1245. https://doi.org/10.1001/jamapsychiatry.2020.2148

[7] Field, T. A., Beeson, E. T., & Jones, L. K. (2015). The new ABCs: A practitioner’s guide to neuroscience-informed cognitive-behavior therapy. Journal of Mental Health Counseling, 37(3), 206–220.

[8] National Institute for Clinical Application of Behavioral Medicine. (n.d.). Research and resources on emotional regulation. Retrieved from

https://www.nicabm.com/

[9] Liu, R. T. (2019). Childhood maltreatment and impulsivity: A meta-analysis and recommendations for future study. Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology, 47(2), 221-243. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10802-018-0445-3

[10] Chamberlain, S. R., & Grant, J. E. (2019). Relationship between quality of life in young adults and impulsivity/compulsivity. Psychiatry Research, 271, 253-258. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.psychres.2018.11.059

[11] Sussman, R. F., & Sekuler, R. (2022). Feeling rushed? Perceived time pressure impacts executive function and stress. Acta Psychologica, 229, 103702. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.actpsy.2022.103702

[12] Simon, L., Jiryis, T., & Admon, R. (2021). Now or later? Stress-induced increase and decrease in choice impulsivity are both associated with elevated affective and endocrine responses. Brain Sciences, 11(9), 1148. https://doi.org/10.3390/brainsci11091148

[13] Flores, J., Brake, C. A., Hood, C. O., & Badour, C. L. (2022). Posttraumatic stress and risky sex in trauma-exposed college students: The role of personality dispositions toward impulsive behavior. Journal of American College Health, 70(6), 1711-1723. https://doi.org/10.1080/07448481.2020.1819289

[14] IAFF Recovery Center. (n.d.). Recognizing PTSD triggers. Retrieved from https://www.iaffrecoverycenter.com/blog/recognizing-ptsd-triggers/

[15] Aksen, D. E., Sleight, F. G., & Lynn, S. J. (2023). Mindfulness intervention for impulsivity as a stand-alone treatment: A qualitative review of emerging evidence. Psychology of Consciousness: Theory, Research, and Practice. Advance online publication. https://doi.org/10.1037/cns0000367

[16] Korponay, C., Dentico, D., Kral, T. R. A., et al. (2019). The effect of mindfulness meditation on impulsivity and its neurobiological correlates in healthy adults. Scientific Reports, 9, 11963. https://doi.org/10.1038/s41598-019-47662-y

[17] Ernst, J. (n.d.). Pay attention to the chameleon kids. Just Trying to Help (Substack). Retrieved from Just Trying to Help

[18] Chartrand, T. L., & Bargh, J. A. (1999). The chameleon effect: The perception-behavior link and social interaction. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 76(6), 893-910. https://doi.org/10.1037//0022-3514.76.6.893

[19] Reichmann-Decker, A., DePrince, A. P., & McIntosh, D. N. (2009). Affective responsiveness, betrayal, and childhood abuse. Journal of Trauma & Dissociation, 10(3), 276-296. https://doi.org/10.1080/15299730902956788

[20] Lawson, D. M., & Akay-Sullivan, S. (2020). Considerations of dissociation, betrayal trauma, and complex trauma in the treatment of incest. Journal of Child Sexual Abuse, 29(6), 677-696. https://doi.org/10.1080/10538712.2020.1751369

[21] Gómez, J. M. (2019). High betrayal adolescent sexual abuse and nonsuicidal self-injury: The role of depersonalization in emerging adults. Journal of Child Sexual Abuse, 28(3), 318-332. https://doi.org/10.1080/10538712.2018.1539425